The Epiphany

Tuesday was the twelfth day of Christmas and the Celebration of the Epiphany.  I love this celebration of the guiding light, an unknown star, that led the three kings, THE WISE MEN, to what they believed would be the greatest King that ever lived.  I can only imagine what they thought when they arrived in such a lowly place... a dirty stable filled with animals, and saw their King manifested in the form of a tiny, vulnerable baby, dependent on others, without the power and riches they most likely had imagined surrounding Him.  God's intention to have His only son born in this way, in this place, with the presence of a guiding light, is such a powerful lesson for our own life on so many levels.  

As a mother, it is an invitation for me to follow the light in my life, which many times is my own sons.  When I follow what brings me joy...the brightest star in my life....it always leads me home to my heart.  In this place, cloaked in my own vulnerabilities and imperfections, I discover the truth.   The truth is that God resides in each one of us and is waiting to tell us that we are enough.  We are not meant to be perfect or strive for perfection.  We are meant to do what we were born to do, what comes naturally and instinctual...to embrace our uniqueness as an important part of the body of Christ.  You are a precious, divine, being, and there is a role that only YOU can fulfill!  My prayer is that we all can follow the guiding Light that exists in our life and not only discover our own divinity and purpose, but accept ourselves as priceless members of our global community.

Expedition: WINGS!

My son, Gabe, has been doing a unit study on Lewis and Clark at his school.  He is so into it... dressing up as Meriwether Lewis and going on expeditions of his own.  We have had lots of conversations around our dinner table about how courageous and adventurous Lewis and Clark must have been to head out without a map or any kind of knowing of what they would encounter.  They have become heroes for my boys, and rightfully so.

All this talk about journeys has got me thinking and wondering about my own expedition.  I do not do well without a map.  I want to know where I am heading.  However, my children and my little visitors in nature are helping me to embrace the joy that can be discovered in not knowing where every step I take will lead.  Just the other day I discovered a small Bordered Patch Butterfly in my driveway and when I offered my finger, to my surprise she did not flutter away but climbed upon my offering.

She fluttered her wings and rested  on my finger for over 5 minutes, causing me to pause in my busy afternoon, ignore the distractions around me, and just breathe and be still.  It seems these days the more I find time to be quiet and still the closer I get to my destination.  The more I allow life to fold and unfold before me, much like the butterfly wings, the more I discover that my journey is easier when I let go of the map of control that I clench in my fist.

I am so blessed to have children and butterflies in my life to set the example of how beautiful life can be when we let go.

The Beauty of Diversity

I went down to our neighborhood creek with the boys the other day after school.   While they fished with their friend from school, I wandered around and admired the diversity of all the yellow fall flowers in bloom.  At first glance, they just look like a bunch of yellow flowers.  But if you take the time to look a little deeper, more closely,  you can see the beauty of their uniqueness.

As I sat and watched my two boys stand together with their friend and fish, I was reminded by these flowers that the same is true for us as we live in community with one another.  If we take a moment to look deeper, more closely, into the heart of those around us, we will also see the beauty of the uniqueness of each life.

The lessons provided by Mother Nature never cease to amaze me and guide me.  I hope you will find a moment today to get outdoors alone or with those you love and look deeper.  Allow creation to reveal her knowledge and truth, and guide you along your unique journey.

A Heavenly Message

I LOVE this picture of my nephew Brad who passed away 6 months ago in a car accident.

 It has been on our refrigerator for the last 6 months and will remain there. Joe, the boys and I love to look at it and remember our times with Brad, and honor him. When I look at Brad's picture, I hear these words, "Love what you do, do what you love." Brad lived by this motto, and truly loved what he did at work and play. I am striving for that now, at age 45, in part because of Brad. I have recently decided to embrace the artist in me and have begun painting inspirational pieces....mostly birds and butterflies and things in nature that inspire me to embrace my uniqueness and search for joy.

I was working on a series of black butterflies yesterday when I started thinking that I wanted to paint a picture for Kim and Terry, Brad's parents, in honor of Brad. I called Kim and left a message about my idea.  In my message, I told Kim I wanted to paint her and Terry a picture that reminded them of Brad and asked if there was anything they saw in nature that made them think of Brad or feel was bringing them a message from Brad.  Last night I got home late from a meeting and noticed I had a message from Kim... I played it and praised God and smiled when I heard her words ....

"There's a black butterfly that has been following Terry and I around since Brad died."

I do not doubt for a minute that Brad is not still here among us! He continues to connect us all no matter the distance and I love him more and more! I am so grateful for the signs and the proof that he is checking on us:))  Have you received messages and signs like this in your life?  I hope so!  Look for them and expect them.  And when you see them, share them with others.  It brings so much hope to hear these stories.  Sometimes we feel so alone.....so isolated in our pain and grief, it's easy to forget that we are not alone at all.  

I will close this post with the words my young son Gabe shared with me a few years ago....

"Mom, there are angels all around us.  Heaven is not up in the sky.  It is right here."

Swinging for Joy

I absolutely loved to swing when I was a little girl!  No matter where we lived we always had a swing in our yard.  One of my favorites was an old stool top that my Dad drilled a hole through the center, and suspended from an old mesquite tree.  That was a great swing, because I could swing and spin!  I still have a small scar on the inside of my thigh from where I spun that rope so tight before letting go that it pinched my skin.  I have spent countless hours of my childhood swinging..... pumping my legs and throwing my head back feeling the wind on my face and blow through my hair.  That point of letting go and arcing through the air is so exhilarating.  I think it is very interesting that as a child much of my favorite playtime was spent in various forms of letting go....running through the sprinkler, riding my bike up a hill and coasting down with my legs out, and rolling down our back yard hill, but as a grown up letting go is one of the most difficult things I face.  

On September 2, I traveled to San Marcos to speak to the San Marcos MOPS group about my journey through motherhood as expressed in my book, The Butterfly Knight.  On my hour trip I thought about what I was going to say...how I would convey the idea that we are all born perfectly and that as mother's we need to let go of our children lovingly and trust the voice of God to guide them on the path He has chosen for them.  This idea of letting go of my son's journey does not leave me feeling exhilarated like that swing did from my youth.  When I pulled up into the parking lot at the First Baptist Church in San Marcos where I was speaking and parked my car, looking out my window, this is what I saw a few feet away....

This swing whispered to me to come and play.  The grown up in me knew I had to unpack my car and get inside and prepare for my presentation....but that swing would not let me go!  I got out of my car and climbed on and I swung!  Now it wasn't the full tilt swinging of my childhood with my head thrown back, but I did let go for a few minutes and swing!  It was a conscious choice to seek joy in the face of fear.  I know that swing helped me prepare for my presentation.  And that swing inspired my new art I finished today....

Let go and discover the joy that is waiting for you!!

Don't Touch Their Wings

When I was a little girl, my sisters and I loved it when my parents loaded us up in the car to go on a country drive.  My Dad, who was an entomologist, would sometimes throw his big white butterfly net in the trunk, and my Mom would always pack a picnic and plenty of snacks for our road trip.  Oh how we loved our nature excursions!  Sometimes we would go to specific locations where my Dad was setting insect traps for his scientific studies.  Other times we would just stop at a field or patch of woods and take off to explore.  My sisters and I would leap behind my Dad as he carried his big white net on his shoulder.  

When we saw a butterfly we would squeal and beg our Dad to catch us one.... excitedly asking him what kind of butterfly it was as he swooped his net.  When Dad caught one he would gently pull it out being careful to only hold its body which was protected by its exoskeleton.  As he pulled it out of the net to place it in our hands he would say,

"Be careful. Don't touch their wings.  They are fragile."  

I would cup my hands open and seize my breath as I anticipated the winged beauty being placed within my grasp.  Often the butterfly would stay for a moment before fluttering up into the sky....allowing me to gaze upon the beautiful detail and pattern of its wings.

Now that I am all grown up and a parent myself, these beautiful butterflies from my childhood have visited me in my dreams and waking hours.  After giving birth to my son, Will, it was these butterflies that whispered in my ear..... 

"Be careful.  Don't touch his wings.  They are fragile."

The metamorphosis of a butterfly is one of the most courageous journeys I have ever witnessed.  It's ability to accept vulnerability in order to be free is a message I hold close to my heart as I have watched Will's own strength through his vulnerability.  I know, now, without a doubt that Will was born perfectly for the mission God has chosen for him.  My young son has been my teacher.  I am learning that I, too, despite my many imperfections, was designed perfectly for my mission.

I am on a mission to ensure that our children know that they were born perfectly despite their difference.  It wasn't until I discovered my own wings through my journey with Will that I realized how important this is.  My hope is that if I can inspire you to discover your wings, you will see the wings on your own children and handle them with care.

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Taking off the Cape

One of the things I have been most fearful of in my life, prior to the birth of my son Will in 2005, is getting up in front of people to speak.  For about a year now, and especially since I finished my memoir, The Butterfly Knight, I have felt led to share my story in a speaking format.  I resisted this for a long time, because the thought of it scared me so, but God would not allow me to walk away from this call.  This Fall I have been given the opportunity to speak to MOPS (Mothers of Pre Schoolers) groups around the Hill Country and in Austin and San Antonio about my journey as expressed in my book.  The international MOPS theme this year is "Be You....Bravely!"  This is the same theme in my book, so it seems I have something to share.  

Because of a last minute cancellation, I was contacted by the Boerne MOPS group a few weeks ago to speak at their October 6 meeting.....which was yesterday. I have been thrilled about this opportunity, because the Boerne MOPS group is one of the largest in our area.  I had planned to spend a lot of time last week and over the weekend preparing for my 30 minute speech, but my son, Will, became ill a week ago and my fears about his health took all my available energy.  My stress mounted as Will did not recover through the week and I realized I was not in the frame of mind to prepare and even wondered if I would be able to go.  Last Friday I looked at the Boerne MOPS Facebook page and saw this announcement about my presentation.

I was honored and touched by this, but I laughed to myself when I saw it.  How was I going to talk to these women about being a superhero when I was scared to death, and didn't feel brave at all?  I felt like a fraud..... a joke....who did I think I was?  

That night Will worsened and I was up most of the night watching him, counting his breaths each minute and checking his oxygen levels with our home medical equipment.  I knew I needed to trust that God would heal him again but I was so burdened by trying to determine why he was sick and how I could make him better.  Will was scared too and had question after question about when he was going to be well and if we were going to have to go to the hospital.  I was saddened as I watched him taking his own temperature repeatedly, checking his own oxygen saturation and trying to count his own respirations.... repeatedly trying to prove to himself and me that he was getting better.  But his frequent panting for air, even when just sitting, told us otherwise.  His was taking prednisone and an antibiotic, so we kept hoping he would recover with the help of the medicine.  He never ran fever, and we were not sure he was sick enough to risk exposing him to all the bad viruses in the hospital we were seeing on the news, so we kept him home.

On Sunday after several sleepless nights, I talked to my husband, Joe, about my concerns about leaving Will on Monday morning to talk to the women in Boerne.  Joe encouraged me,    "You have to do this Angie.  It's going to be a challenge for you to leave and to speak on this subject, but you just need to be honest with them."  I knew he was right.  I still didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew God would direct me..... I trusted.  

That night as I sat with Will while he did one of his 30 minute breathing treatments, I listened to him as he asked me question after question.  He wanted so desperately to have answers to why he was sick and what was going to happen to him.  Very humbly, I just kept saying to him that I didn't know.  That I didn't have the answers he needed.  He got very angry and screamed, " But I want the answers!"  I said "I know.  I want them too.  But that is not how life works.  We can never know what will happen from one minute to the next."  I told him it was okay to be scared. He asked me, " Are you scared?" I said "Yes. I'm nervous."  Then he relaxed and softened, and said, "I love you Mom."  

And then it hit me!  I knew what I would talk about.  Our kids don't want to see us as superheroes.  They want us to be real.  They want to see that we are real.  They need to see that we get scared too.  We don't need to pretend to always have the answers and hide behind our armor or cape all the time.  When we  reveal our true self to them they know its okay for them to be real too.

An email from the MOPS coordinator, Chrystal, revealed that the Moms would be dressed in Superhero costumes for the event, so on Monday morning I grabbed Will's superhero cape, the one a friend had made for him with a "W" on the back.  Will and I were both anxious Monday morning about me leaving, but I assured him Dad would be here and that I would be home by lunch.  I was so nervous to leave him, but I trusted God's call and loaded the car.  About 20 minutes into my 45 min drive I saw this....

The early morning sky opened up and beams of light were shining down, and I knew God was directing, orchestrating all of this.  When I arrived at First Baptist Church, Boerne where the event was held and walked into the room I was amazed by what I saw.  Dozens of women walking around in Superhero costumes and the huge sign over the stage said this...

   "Be YOU, Bravely, because God created only ONE you!"  

This was the message in my book, The Butterfly Knight, and these were the words God wanted me to kneel in front of as I spoke.  I am enough.  As I walked up to the stage, wearing Will's superhero cape, the first thing I did was take it off, lay it on the podium, and say "Whew!  I don't know about you, but this cape is getting really heavy, so I think it's time I took it off."

I don't know everything I said yesterday morning, but I know I encouraged the mothers that sat in front of me to be real with their kids, to believe their children were braver than they thought, and to trust that it does not need to be their voice that their children hear in their heart, but God's voice, calling them to be the ONE that He has called them to be,  not the one we think they need to be.

I was honest with them as I shared my fear of Will's illness and my concern about leaving him to follow God's call to speak to them.  I was deeply humbled when after I finished they asked me to remain on stage, called my sister and employer up to the stage (who had come to hear me speak) and circled me in prayer for Will.  They thanked God for my courage to remove my "armor and place it at the foot of the cross."  Wow!  Those words pierced my heart.  Taking off the cape, the armor is the absolute hardest thing to do, but absolutely necessary my dear friends.

As soon as I got on the road I called Joe to check on Will, and he said, "Will is better than I have seen him in a week.  I took him to school, and just checked on him again, and he is fine."

Coincidence?

I believe it is the proof, the "answer", Will and I were searching for, that God does not require us to know all things, He requires us to trust Him in all things.  Supporting each other in this journey, being honest, and laying down our capes together, will bring us closer and closer to the freedom God has promised us.

We went to Houston early this morning for an emergency appointment with Will's pulmonologist since he has been so sick.  Will's doctor listened to Will's one and only lung and said it sounded perfect!  He encouraged us that Will's illness was due to a virus and not something related to Will's disease.  We were so relieved to be returning home.  About 60 miles from home the sun started setting and we watched its beautiful display fill the sky in front of us for over 45 minutes while we drove westward home.  In the rear view mirror we watched a beautiful full moon rise at the same time.  I felt that God was surrounding us with His beauty.  It was such an uplifting comfort!  As I drove us into Fredericksburg on Main St, Will said excitedly in the back seat, "Wow, Mom, you have green lights as far as I can see!  Green lights all the way!"  

That's what it feels like when God opens up the journey in front of you...... "Green lights all the way!"

Thank you for taking the time to share this journey with me.  I pray that you will be real with those you love and discover your wings!

We are all Different. We are all Beautiful!

The art project I did this week with my 1st -6th grade art students at Providence Hall was so amazing!  I've been wanting to do a monarch butterfly art study since the monarchs have begun their long migration south, and this project I discovered online seemed really interesting.  I gave the kids a folded piece of watercolor paper and asked them to draw half of a monarch butterfly with a pencil.  I showed them pictures of monarchs and placed emphasis on their black lined patterns on their wings.  I was amazed at how all the kids, even those who have some difficulty with drawing, were able to draw butterfly wings, each one very different.  Before class I mixed black tempera paint in half filled Elmer's glue bottles.  The kids squeezed out the glue along their pencil lines on half the paper.  Then they folded the blank side of the paper over and pressed lightly against glue.  You would not believe the squeals of delight, mostly from me, when we opened the paper!

Monarch Butterflies before the orange paint was added.

We had to allow these gorgeous butterflies to dry for several hours, so our next class we added the orange and yellow paint to the white areas.  I love the black and white butterflies before the paint, but seeing how the children painted their butterflies uniquely with the orange and yellow was equally appealing!  We had our butterflies finished just in time for our local art show!  They have created quite an impact!

Monarch Butterflies on display for First Friday Art Walk in Fredericksburg at Ranch Road Roasters - 338 West Main St

I loved talking to the kids about how each one of these butterflies is so different, but each one is also so beautiful....JUST LIKE US!  I also had the kids repeat after me "I am an amazing artist!"  I know they must think their art teacher is weird, but I don't care!  I LOVE creating with them and witnessing their confidence build when they make something beautiful using their minds and hearts.  Watching the look on their faces when they walked into the art show and saw their butterfly framed was priceless!

Be Brave! Be You! Be Beautiful!

We had a scare with Will's breathing yesterday and at 8:00 last night I found myself in our local ER with him as he panted for air, taking 45-50 breaths/ minute.  My husband, Joe, stayed home with our 10 year old son Gabe, and prepared the house and our suitcases in case we had to take Will to Texas Children's Hospital in Houston.  Gabe reluctantly stayed with Joe.  He wanted to go with Will because he wanted to know as soon as possible if we were going to have to go to Houston. Usually the trip to Houston means Gabe will stay behind with friends and continue with school.  This journey the four of us are traveling feels very isolating at times.  Each one of us so afraid of what will happen to us and how we will be able to cope with the fear of Will being hospitalized or worse, but each one of us trying to be so brave for each other.  So often we don't speak of our own fears, because it seems selfish or we don't want to upset someone else or add to their personal pain, but my heart tells me and urges me that that isn't the best way.

As we were driving to the hospital, which thank God, is only 5 blocks from our house, Will was constantly asking about what was going to happen.  "Were we going to have to go to Houston? Was he going to have to cancel a planned play date on Wednesday?"  And also saying, as he panted for air, " I feel fine!  I don't have fever.  I'm not sick!"  Will wants so desperately to convince everyone of his strength and bravery.  He gets so upset when he is sick and will often try to hide or mask his symptoms.  I just kept saying "Will I don't have the answers.  We just need to do what we can to beat this thing and focus on breathing better."  As I held his hand as we walked into the hospital,  I said to him (and to myself), " You know what?  It's okay if you are scared.  It's okay if you need to cry.  You don't have to pretend with me.  This is scary.  You don't have to try to be brave.  Just be yourself. I'm scared to and I don't want to have to go to Houston either."  

He softened then and he stopped asking the questions.  For me, it takes more courage to admit that I don't always have the answers, I can't fix everything, and I can't predict the future.  My reaction as a mother is always to try to take the pain away and try to prevent the fear, but when I do I know I am telling myself and teaching my kids that having fear and pain is bad.  The truth is that having fear and pain is a normal part of our life's journey and facing it honestly with ourselves and each other helps develop our beauty and strength. Thankfully, Will's stay in the hospital was only a few hours, long enough to determine his one and only lung was clear and to get some much needed steroid and antibiotic to clear the inflammation.  We were all thrilled to have our family reunited and sleep in our own beds, knowing that everyone was safe under one roof.

This experience reminded me of this image I drew  for the cover of my book, The Butterfly Knight.  

It reminds me that there is beauty and strength in our fragility and vulnerability, especially when we share it with those we love.  I want to teach my boys to not hide their fear and pain, and to not view it as a punishment or weakness.   I want to support them as they learn to accept it as a catalyst in life for positive growth and development.  I want them to know I believe they are brave and beautiful all the time, in sickness and in health, and in good times and in bad.  I want them to hear the confident words from mouth, filled with love and trust,

"You can do this!"  

The Courage to Bloom

One of my many jobs is that I provide Occupational Therapy services to children living in foster care group homes.  Today while I was providing therapy for one of the boys I work with, I saw this little flower on our walk outside.  I LOVE all the reminders in nature of the courage that exists within the tiniest, most fragile of beings.

I thought this little flower was the perfect reminder as I walked along side this boy that doesn't have a "true" home or family, that even when times are hard or we believe conditions are not perfect for us to grow, we can bloom with the tiniest bit of hope and light.  As I work with my patients, mother my sons, and teach my art students, I must remember that sometimes all it takes is just the littlest bit of encouragement to give one the light they need to turn the rockiest, roughest surrounding into the exact nourishment they need to reach for the sun.