One of the things I have been most fearful of in my life, prior to the birth of my son Will in 2005, is getting up in front of people to speak. For about a year now, and especially since I finished my memoir, The Butterfly Knight, I have felt led to share my story in a speaking format. I resisted this for a long time, because the thought of it scared me so, but God would not allow me to walk away from this call. This Fall I have been given the opportunity to speak to MOPS (Mothers of Pre Schoolers) groups around the Hill Country and in Austin and San Antonio about my journey as expressed in my book. The international MOPS theme this year is "Be You....Bravely!" This is the same theme in my book, so it seems I have something to share.
Because of a last minute cancellation, I was contacted by the Boerne MOPS group a few weeks ago to speak at their October 6 meeting.....which was yesterday. I have been thrilled about this opportunity, because the Boerne MOPS group is one of the largest in our area. I had planned to spend a lot of time last week and over the weekend preparing for my 30 minute speech, but my son, Will, became ill a week ago and my fears about his health took all my available energy. My stress mounted as Will did not recover through the week and I realized I was not in the frame of mind to prepare and even wondered if I would be able to go. Last Friday I looked at the Boerne MOPS Facebook page and saw this announcement about my presentation.
I was honored and touched by this, but I laughed to myself when I saw it. How was I going to talk to these women about being a superhero when I was scared to death, and didn't feel brave at all? I felt like a fraud..... a joke....who did I think I was?
That night Will worsened and I was up most of the night watching him, counting his breaths each minute and checking his oxygen levels with our home medical equipment. I knew I needed to trust that God would heal him again but I was so burdened by trying to determine why he was sick and how I could make him better. Will was scared too and had question after question about when he was going to be well and if we were going to have to go to the hospital. I was saddened as I watched him taking his own temperature repeatedly, checking his own oxygen saturation and trying to count his own respirations.... repeatedly trying to prove to himself and me that he was getting better. But his frequent panting for air, even when just sitting, told us otherwise. His was taking prednisone and an antibiotic, so we kept hoping he would recover with the help of the medicine. He never ran fever, and we were not sure he was sick enough to risk exposing him to all the bad viruses in the hospital we were seeing on the news, so we kept him home.
On Sunday after several sleepless nights, I talked to my husband, Joe, about my concerns about leaving Will on Monday morning to talk to the women in Boerne. Joe encouraged me, "You have to do this Angie. It's going to be a challenge for you to leave and to speak on this subject, but you just need to be honest with them." I knew he was right. I still didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew God would direct me..... I trusted.
That night as I sat with Will while he did one of his 30 minute breathing treatments, I listened to him as he asked me question after question. He wanted so desperately to have answers to why he was sick and what was going to happen to him. Very humbly, I just kept saying to him that I didn't know. That I didn't have the answers he needed. He got very angry and screamed, " But I want the answers!" I said "I know. I want them too. But that is not how life works. We can never know what will happen from one minute to the next." I told him it was okay to be scared. He asked me, " Are you scared?" I said "Yes. I'm nervous." Then he relaxed and softened, and said, "I love you Mom."
And then it hit me! I knew what I would talk about. Our kids don't want to see us as superheroes. They want us to be real. They want to see that we are real. They need to see that we get scared too. We don't need to pretend to always have the answers and hide behind our armor or cape all the time. When we reveal our true self to them they know its okay for them to be real too.
An email from the MOPS coordinator, Chrystal, revealed that the Moms would be dressed in Superhero costumes for the event, so on Monday morning I grabbed Will's superhero cape, the one a friend had made for him with a "W" on the back. Will and I were both anxious Monday morning about me leaving, but I assured him Dad would be here and that I would be home by lunch. I was so nervous to leave him, but I trusted God's call and loaded the car. About 20 minutes into my 45 min drive I saw this....
The early morning sky opened up and beams of light were shining down, and I knew God was directing, orchestrating all of this. When I arrived at First Baptist Church, Boerne where the event was held and walked into the room I was amazed by what I saw. Dozens of women walking around in Superhero costumes and the huge sign over the stage said this...
"Be YOU, Bravely, because God created only ONE you!"
This was the message in my book, The Butterfly Knight, and these were the words God wanted me to kneel in front of as I spoke. I am enough. As I walked up to the stage, wearing Will's superhero cape, the first thing I did was take it off, lay it on the podium, and say "Whew! I don't know about you, but this cape is getting really heavy, so I think it's time I took it off."
I don't know everything I said yesterday morning, but I know I encouraged the mothers that sat in front of me to be real with their kids, to believe their children were braver than they thought, and to trust that it does not need to be their voice that their children hear in their heart, but God's voice, calling them to be the ONE that He has called them to be, not the one we think they need to be.
I was honest with them as I shared my fear of Will's illness and my concern about leaving him to follow God's call to speak to them. I was deeply humbled when after I finished they asked me to remain on stage, called my sister and employer up to the stage (who had come to hear me speak) and circled me in prayer for Will. They thanked God for my courage to remove my "armor and place it at the foot of the cross." Wow! Those words pierced my heart. Taking off the cape, the armor is the absolute hardest thing to do, but absolutely necessary my dear friends.
As soon as I got on the road I called Joe to check on Will, and he said, "Will is better than I have seen him in a week. I took him to school, and just checked on him again, and he is fine."
Coincidence?
I believe it is the proof, the "answer", Will and I were searching for, that God does not require us to know all things, He requires us to trust Him in all things. Supporting each other in this journey, being honest, and laying down our capes together, will bring us closer and closer to the freedom God has promised us.
We went to Houston early this morning for an emergency appointment with Will's pulmonologist since he has been so sick. Will's doctor listened to Will's one and only lung and said it sounded perfect! He encouraged us that Will's illness was due to a virus and not something related to Will's disease. We were so relieved to be returning home. About 60 miles from home the sun started setting and we watched its beautiful display fill the sky in front of us for over 45 minutes while we drove westward home. In the rear view mirror we watched a beautiful full moon rise at the same time. I felt that God was surrounding us with His beauty. It was such an uplifting comfort! As I drove us into Fredericksburg on Main St, Will said excitedly in the back seat, "Wow, Mom, you have green lights as far as I can see! Green lights all the way!"
That's what it feels like when God opens up the journey in front of you...... "Green lights all the way!"
Thank you for taking the time to share this journey with me. I pray that you will be real with those you love and discover your wings!