Your Wings are Already There

"The light of truth as she beholds her own beauty and uniqueness emanates from her with such force it pushes open the door of the chrysalis.  As she emerges into her new world she knows without a doubt she was always meant to fly."    excerpt from The Butterfly Knight

I always thought I had to work really hard and achieve all my goals before I could earn my "wings".  But as hard as I worked, my efforts never seemed to be good enough. 

It wasn't until I gave birth to my son, Will, and watched him soar despite being born with a rare disease and a long list of  "imperfections", that I began to reconsider my quest for perfection.

Will had found a way to embrace his journey, despite the hardship and pain, and in doing so he was filled with joy.  I, on the other hand, was buried beneath the weight of my fear of not being good enough.  Maybe Will sensed my fear because one day he gave me this drawing...

Will and many other "messengers" have led me to the truth.  The truth is that even though my wings aren't symmetrical, and even though they are faded in some places and a little tattered from age...

they are beautiful and strong!  Their strength is dependent on my ability to believe in these simple words.......   "It's okay to be me!"

My journey to this truth is revealed in my book, The Butterfly Knight.  You can read it and be inspired, or you can simply look in the mirror today and say "It's okay to be me.", and watch your own wings unfold. :))

Nature Lover

As a child, I answered Nature’s beckoning call by spending countless hours roaming and exploring her diverse beauty in her field and wooded classrooms.  Beside her streams, on top of her mountains, and in the boughs of her trees she whispered loving words to me.  It was here, cradled in her majesty, that I felt peace, belonging, and loved by God. 

Particularly fascinated by her tiny world, I would thoughtfully examine blades of grass, rocks along stream beds, and the intricacies of flower petals, as if searching for clues to my own existence.  It was through the language of nature that I learned some of the most far reaching and foundational lessons of my life.  Hidden, camouflaged beneath leaves and logs, I discovered three core truths:

    1.  Vulnerability is not weakness.
    2.  Respect for each individual’s purpose creates community.
    3.  Acceptance leads to peace.

When I was in nature I felt the overpowering sense of peace and respect among its inhabitants.  Every creature seemed to understand its purpose, and accepted its place in relationship to the whole.

As a child it was through my conversation with nature that I learned

it was okay to be me.  

Adapted from The Butterfly Knight, 2014 (available on Amazon)

It's Time to Fly!

For most of my life I believed I had to achieve the goals I had set for myself and believed others expected of me in order to deem myself worthy of freedom, joy and acceptance.  As I focused on the mile markers of the map I had fabricated, life sped by outside the glass box in which I had placed myself.  Finally a friend could clearly see the key to release me from my self imposed prison.  She had me repeat these words out loud over and over....

"It's okay to be me!"

At first I resisted because I had not felt it was okay to be me in a very long time.  But then I remembered the little girl inside who was waiting for my acceptance.  Only then did I say the words with determination, believing them in my heart....

"IT'S OKAY TO BE ME!"

And in that moment, as I trembled with gratitude, I discovered my wings had been there all along.....waiting.

Rare Beauty

Since I was a young girl, I have always been fascinated by butterflies.

The daughter of an entomologist, whether I was leaping after them in a field or gazing at them in my Dad's collections, their lightness and beauty have mesmerized me.  I learned at a young age that the pattern on the wings of each butterfly is unique.  No two are the same. 

All are beautiful!  I could never analyze one and say that it is not.

The same is true for each one of us.  We are all unique .... no two people are the same.  There has never been a single person like me or you in the history of mankind!  That is so amazing .... don't you think?

What is also amazing is how hard we attempt to fit in and be like someone else.  How easy it is to believe that our rarity is not beautiful enough.

I am on a mission to change that within my own life!  I am so weary of believing the message that I am not capable or worthy of leading a joy filled and wonderful life just as I am.  I am discovering this is no easy task.

But I am up for the challenge because I know in my heart if I can demonstrate to my two young sons that I am good enough, even with all my imperfections, maybe they will believe it for themselves too!  I am hopeful that if this generation of children grows up with acceptance in their heart, on their lips, and in their actions....they can heal our world! 

Freedom

Only a week after Will’s surgery to remove his right lung, we were driving him home. As we completed the four hour drive and turned on our street, Will said, “Mom, I want to ride my bike.” Joe and I looked at each other, and hesitated,but Will was insistent. So minutes after arriving home, barely a week after his lung was removed, Will was riding his bike down our street while Joe, Gabe, the neighbors and I whooped and hollered in amazement. Will was laughing and wincing at the same time. I’m sure the incision that wrapped around the right side of his chest was painful, but he was determined to not let it keep him from playing and feeling the wind blow through his hair. He was free! As I watched him ride down our street, I could feel my fear of him dying float up into the sky above us.

Outside the Box

For most of my life I had lived with clear black and white labels, rules and guidelines that predicted my path and guided me.  But now I had given birth to a son whose labels were not black and white, but gray and blurred.  Because of his uniqueness his labels prevented me from understanding him.  Staring at them, straining my eyes through the haze, searching for clarity, they felt like a hindrance.  I feared the box and labels that would ultimately define my son, but I feared his uniqueness even more.  He seemed so vulnerable and fragile floating outside the box all alone in his difference.

True Love

Gabe has always had a special way of looking past Will's scars and imperfections and accepting and embracing him just the way he is. That is true love! Isn't that what we all hope for....someone to accept us, scars and all? Each one of us is imperfectly beautiful :)) Happy Valentine's Day!

Will's Will

Will was determined to live his own life outside the box. He was kicking off the labels as quickly as we could put them at his feet. He refused to be pinned down, and he refused to allow me to play a role in his rescue.

My schedules, lists, and maps had no place in Will's world. In his world every step was groundless. Trying to prepare myself and predict every possible turn, rise, and fall of his journey was exhausting. He was not going down the safe path I had planned for him. I felt as if I was running behind him, trying to keep up, yelling, “Wait! You were supposed to turn this way!

Gabe's Compassion

Gabe, Will's older brother, embodies my hope for this generation of children. He has risen above our family's fear countless times and enveloped us all with his love, grace and wisdom. He believes in the divine potential of every moment. As I was trying to emerge out of the box where I had placed Will and I, it was Gabe that looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Mom, there are no walls, only angels."

Message from Will

From my position behind the armor, all I could see was his fragility and my call to protect and defend him. Burdened, I thought I was the one that always had to know, lead, protect, teach, and save. Watching Will almost die over and over, helpless to save him, left me feeling I was not good enough to be his mother. Out of the blue a couple of months ago Will handed me this sign he made for me. He knows....